I'm not sure if I've always known I was gay...

Well, I'm not sure if I've always known I was gay. 

I suppose not being attracted to girls when I was younger was the first sign, even though I wasn't particularly attracted to boys either. By the time I was 4 I knew I wasn't like other boys; I never wanted to be the Cowboy or the Knight at fancy dress parties, but instead was destined to be a Disney Princess or a Showgirl.

I remember when we first got internet, and one day I was left in the house by myself, being checked on by a neighbour who was out in the garden. For some strange reason I decided to look research what 'gay' really meant. Then I started to look at porn, and realised that this appealed to me more than the girls in magazine or on TV.

That same night, I went into my mum's room and said "I think I'm gay". She laughed a little and told me that I was too young and was just a bit confused. I believed her, and stayed in the closet for another 7 years (I was 6 at this point). 

I was in my second year of high school, the worst years of my life. Whilst teased and bullied everyday, girlfriend after girlfriend coming in and out of my life, I managed to have my first gay experience at the Christmas dance. I didn't have a date, and not many people did. I sat down next to this guy in my year, we chatted for a good half hour and he asked if I wanted to go outside for some fresh air. It was quiet outside, and we were standing in a corner where no-one could see us. He asked me if I was gay, and I said I wasn't sure. He nodded, and said he thought he was bisexual. 

Then, suddenly out of the blue he kissed me.

I didn't know what to feel, I don't know if I was shocked, happy, turned on, or even angry. He looked at me and said he was sorry, I said it was okay, so I kissed him back. 

We texted and met up over the next few of weeks, and I suppose he was really my first boyfriend. It was the beginning of February 2009 when he told me that he'd told his parents he was bisexual. That same night, when my parent's were watching TV, I sat down in front of them and told them I was gay. My mum hugged me and my dad told me he was proud and that he loved me no matter what I was. I told my mum to tell my brother and sister if she wanted; my sister came into my room the next day and gave me a huge hug, which is strange as we'd never had the strongest relationship. My brother also told me he was proud, and also said he'd known I was gay for a few months now. 

Our entire family has grown so much closer over the past 2 years and I must say I've become more confident. I suppose that's my whole story. Apart from the fact that I've only ever had one boyfriend, I must say the future looks bright.

By Bob M. (@PrideDiamond)

I am me...

“Writing about myself is something I find very hard to do. I don’t usually cross the borders of song writing...”

I guess throughout my life, I've always known I was Gay. Back in primary school, I would round up a group of friends and create pop bands and this all seemed normal to me, my friends and the school who watched the performances in assembly. However, this all changed once I started secondary school, then the poison began to work amongst the people I thought were my friends and who I trusted. I was constantly called names and pushed about and spat at. I never had a voice, I was scared, terrified even. I found that my circle of friends had dramatically changed, and the teachers attempted in their way to help, but it was never enough. With this going on in my life I never once got my parents involved and I would go straight to my room and watch TV or listen to music. Socialising was never an option for me.

A couple of years passed and the bullying seemed to have calmed down. People actually spoke to me and I got to know a lot of different people; who are now my best friends, and the people I can trust. I guess the bullies got tired of me because I never showed a reaction. I just carried on with my life and was successful in my classes; I didn’t care what they thought of me. I dated a girl for 3 years throughout school, and I guess to me it was a kind of cover up. Don't get me wrong I did love her, but this love was more of a friendship kind of love and we were rarely alone. People started to believe I was straight, and sometimes I convinced myself.

After completing a year and a bit of sixth form (before dropping out for full time work), I dated more and passed my driving test. I was rarely at home due to constantly being out with my friends going here, there and everywhere. They were happy days, but then in the summer of 2007 it all changed.

I picked up one of my male friends and drove to Blackpool for a day. We always got on great together and had a laugh no matter where we were, however, this day seemed different and on the way home, I noticed my friend had gone really quiet. I asked if he was okay and he nodded, as if he was trying to tell me something. He seemed very nervous and looked like he was going to burst into tears. He asked me to reassure him that I would never fall out with him saying that I was the only person he was planning on telling because I was his best friend, so I nodded and swore on my life that I would keep it to myself.

“I think I like guys” he said.

I paused for a moment in shock, because I never in a million years thought that he was gay. I got a sickening feeling in my stomach and chatted to him for a short while about his situation, and how he had gotten worried about what the world would think.

And after about 10 minutes I came out to him too.

It was an emotional time for me and it felt amazing to know that there was someone out there who felt the same way I did inside. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, knowing I had shared my secret.

A few weeks passed and I still hadn't told anyone else. My friend and I had decided that it was time to tell our close friends. I drove to pick them up and we sat on the shore in a group. It was difficult to find the words to say, difficult to put how I felt in words. So, I told them quickly, as if it had flown out of my mouth and then there was silence. One of the girls gave us a big hug and emotions ran wild all night. We cried and laughed about it all, but most importantly, my close friends were not phased one little bit. They assured us that they still loved us and that it was just who we were. We all grew much closer after this and we are all more relaxed around each other. Another weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Not much longer after coming out to my friends, I received a message online from a random guy. I hadn't come out officially and I hadn’t mentioned it anywhere on my online page. Over a few weeks of talking and getting on really well, we decided to meet up one night for a drink. It was the happiest I’d felt in such a long time and not long after a first date we were an item. 

My family were still unaware that I was gay and that I had a boyfriend too. It seemed that the happier I grew in my relationship the harder it got to stay in the closet. My family are the most important thing to me and I didn't want to loose anyone, I was constantly trying to find a way to tell them. So, one night I slipped up when I was talking to my step mum who curiously asked me where I was heading.

I replied, “I’m going on a date with my *insert name of current boyfriend at that time*”.  She looked shocked and was silent for a while before hugging me in delight. I was confused. Why was this so easy? After I had left, my phone rang, and it was my Dad.

“I’m so proud of you” he told me “you’re my son, you are who you are and I wouldn't change you for the world. I love you”. I was speechless.

My Dad always seemed to be hard hearted and never really spoke much. Again shocked and surprised I burst into tears. My dad accepted me and didn't disown me. It wasn't long before my brother text me pretty much what my dad had said. I asked them all not to tell my mum at this point because I wanted to wait for the right moment. I was scared, after all I lived alone with her as my brother had moved out the year before and mum and dad divorced when I was 3. Things again were quiet for a while, and I still kept the secret from most of my family.

My brother had a party for the family one night in November and I was the taxi, and I was taking people to the party. Unknown to me, my step mum had a few too many and she was sitting with my mum. Then after having been out to pick somebody up, I came back to find that my mum was not there and everyone was starring at me. I knew what was coming, my brother pulled me to one side and explained that my step mum had slipped up and told my mum I was gay.

I froze. I didn't know what to do, I was terrified that my mum had abandoned me and would never speak to me again. 

My brother came home with me in a taxi; and I raced upstairs and locked myself in my room. My brother sat down with my mum and talked to her for what seemed like forever, until I heard footsteps. It was my mum and my brother, so I let them into my room and we all sat on the bed together. My mum started to cry, which resulted in me crying myself and my brother too. I’d never seen my mum cry before.

She explained to me that she felt like she was the last to know and ultimately should have been the first. So, we talked things through and I told her how scary it was coming out to everyone, and reassured her that from that moment on she would be the first to know everything. I gave my mum the opportunity to call round her family because she seemed proud, as if it was a new born baby to celebrate for. Thankfully I get on with all my family more than ever and I’ve grown to become more sociable. Not having to worry is a fantastic feeling, as I can relax and just be myself around everyone. I recently moved in with my boyfriend who I met 9 months ago, and I can honestly say I have never been happier. I feel stronger and nothing is ever going to break that.

You are who you are and never try and be someone you’re not. I lived with it for most of my life until I was 18. If I could do it all again coming out would be the first thing on my list to do. There is always someone there to talk to and to support you, even I am here for you if you have any questions. I am totally confidential and I have stood there in your shoes. Don't be afraid, we are all human after all and the world is getting to be a more accepting place. You never know, it could be easier than you'd ever imagined.

Peace and Love!

Gary S (@GASMOFFICIAL)

My coming out story, but it's not the way I'd recommend doing it...

It was a Saturday and the World Cup was in full swing in Germany which makes it 2006, with me 22 years old. The day was pretty good, a group of friends and family watched England play and as far as I remember, it was a victory. This meant that as the game had been in the afternoon, we had all evening for some good old fashioned drinking in town. We wandered in (‘we’ consisting of me, my best mate, my sister, her fiancé and a few other friends) just as, my parents decided that they'd had enough and headed home.

It was a good time!  We were dancing to Status Quo's "Rocking All Over the World" in a pub garden repeatedly; over and over thanks to the man doing the disco. It became apparent that this was his favourite song and that as he had found some people to dance to it, so he'd play it several times.  Our enthusiasm quickly dissolved as you can imagine!

Anyway, the evening moved into night and plenty of beer was flowing! Eventually we decided to move the party back to my sister's flat, and her fiancé would follow us later. It's about now that the memory gets hazier; because I was drunk. I remember being in my sister's living room chatting to a friend when her fiancé came back. An argument kicked up and I quickly found out that it was because my sister was getting a tad too friendly with my best mate in the kitchen!

So, we were kicked out by my sister's fiancé and the party moved back down the road to the pub again. It was now that my best mate and my sister started snogging down the side of the pub.  Cue the fireworks. I was very angry, shouting at my best mate and my sister. I begged them to stop what they were doing. It wasn't right with her being engaged... and him being my mate! Regardless of the fact I hated my future brother-in-law, it shouldn't happen. So, they said they'd stop, only for me to find them snogging down the side of the pub again! That was it for me. I stormed off and walked back home to where I lived with my parents. 

I'm sure you're wondering how this all ties in to me coming out?

 Well, my sister knew I was gay but my parents didn't, and I got a phone call from drunken sister saying that she'd kept a secret for me, so I had to keep this secret for her. Well, I wasn’t happy!  How could she compare 'cheating' to being gay?  My secret wasn't a bad thing I had done, just me being too scared to come out, and not knowing HOW or WHEN to come out! I had never found the right moment.

So my drunken mind made a choice. The only way I could tell on my sister would be to out myself...so I did! I had decided that I would get my sister into trouble but I'd have to ‘out’ myself first. I trotted to my parents, who were at the time sat in the garden having some wine, when I basically said "I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay! But, guess what my sister has been doing..."

The night ended with my sister coming back home (as she'd been kicked out!) and me and her screaming at each other most of the night with tears aplenty!  However, I didn’t care, because I'd come out!  I'd finally let that weight go off my shoulders.  I could finally be me around every one. My parents were probably slightly distracted by my sister's situation but they basically said "okay" and "we knew anyway". 

I think, looking back, that it was always going to be in that kind of way that I would came out. For me, sitting my parents down and telling them was never going to happen as I was too shy. I think drink loosened my tongue but I am so grateful for that night now. Without that drunken escapade I could well still be in the closet!

5 years down the line, I'm still best mates with the bloke he snogged my engaged sister. I'm closer than ever to my sister who is now married to another man (who I like.) and in fact he's another of my friends.

So, I'd not recommend coming out the way I did, but, what I will say, and I'm sure many other will too, is that once it's done it's so relieving! To be honest, I don’t think we need to label ourselves. I am the same person I always was, but, in society we like to label ourselves and for some reason the gay label is a big one to admit to. If I could do it all again, I'd just chill out about the whole thing.  I'm me, in or out, but being out has allowed me to be my true self and not to have hide anything from anyone. And that feeling’s brilliant!

By Stuart G (@doodelie)